“I’ve Got A Little List!”
One of the most famous (and most often-parodied) songs from The Mikado is Koko’s “I’ve Got a Little List.”
Koko, a cheap tailor about to be executed for the crime of flirting, finds himself suddenly elevated to the rank of Lord High Executioner by the townspeople of Titipu. They figure he’d be the last person to execute anyone, since he would have to cut his own head off first!
But then the Mikado himself writes to say that if they don’t have an execution by the end of the month, the whole town will be downgraded to a village. So, since Koko has to execute someone, he comes up with a list of possibilities, those “society offenders who never will be missed.”
The original lyrics are as follows:
Ko-Ko.
As some day it may happen that a victim must be found,
I’ve got a little list — I’ve got a little list
Of society offenders who might well be underground,
And who never would be missed — who never would be missed!
There’s the pestilential nuisances who write for autographs —
All people who have flabby hands and irritating laughs —
All children who are up in dates, and floor you with ’em flat —
All persons who in shaking hands, shake hands with you like that —
And all third persons who on spoiling tête-á-têtes insist —
They’d none of ’em be missed — they’d none of ’em be missed!
Chorus.
He’s got ’em on the list — he’s got ’em on the list;
And they’ll none of ’em be missed — they’ll none of ’em be missed.
Ko-Ko.
There’s the banjo serenader, and the others of his race,
And the piano-organist — I’ve got him on the list!
And the people who eat peppermint and puff it in your face,
They never would be missed — they never would be missed!
Then the idiot who praises, with enthusiastic tone,
All centuries but this, and every country but his own;
And the lady from the provinces, who dresses like a guy,
And who “doesn’t think she dances, but would rather like to try”;
And that singular anomaly, the lady novelist —
I don’t think she’d be missed — I’m sure she’d not he missed!
Chorus.
He’s got her on the list — he’s got her on the list;
And I don’t think she’ll be missed — I’m sure she’ll not be missed!
Ko-Ko.
And that Nisi Prius nuisance, who just now is rather rife,
The judicial humorist — I’ve got him on the list!
All funny fellows, comic men, and clowns of private life —
They’d none of ’em be missed — they’d none of ’em be missed.
And apologetic statesmen of a compromising kind,
Such as — What d’ye call him — Thing’em-bob, and likewise — Never-mind,
And ‘St— ‘st— ‘st— and What’s-his-name, and also You-know-who —
The task of filling up the blanks I’d rather leave to you.
But it really doesn’t matter whom you put upon the list,
For they’d none of ’em be missed — they’d none of ’em be missed!
Chorus.
You may put ’em on the list — you may put ’em on the list;
And they’ll none of ’em be missed — they’ll none of ’em be missed!
As The Mikado has continued to delight audiences down the years, a tradition has developed of of altering the lyrics of the “little list” song to include allusions to new “society offenders” depending on current events, local conditions where the opera is being performed, or really on whatever nuisances the parody writer feels inclined to skewer.
So here is a little list of other “little lists”!
Even Gilbert himself parodied his own list, adapting the lyrics to the trials and tribulations suffered by children, such as piano teachers who make you endlessly practice scales, and adults who think girls shouldn’t eat too much.
Online, there’s an entire archive of Gilbert and Sullivan parodies, covering topics from soap opera annoyances to email spammers.
Richard Suart is an English opera singer, a baritone who specializes in the comic roles of Gilbert and Sullivan. In 2008, he and his co-author A.S. H. Smyth released a book called called They’d None of ’em Be Missed, with 20 years of little list parodies.
In the early Nickelodeon TV series called Eureeka’s Castle, the Christmas special had a song called “Just Put it on the List,” where the puppet twins, Bogg and Quagmire, describe all the things they’d like for Christmas to the tune of the Mikado song.
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JYqqFe6nQqU
In the Family Guy episode “Lois Kills Stewie”, Stewie, after taking over the world, sings the “little list” song about those he hates, including Bill O’Reilly’s dermatologist (an audio-only version of the song is on YouTube –NOTE: Vulgar language alert).
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=22-SiN_bzhk
In the Opera Australia version, the little list included “your auntie with the mustache who insists on being kissed” along with merchant bankers and subprime mortgagists (NOTE: Another vulgar language alert)
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=1NLV24qTnlg
The G&S Very Light Opera Company includes “the driver with the Happy Meal who’s talking on the phone” and the telephone solicitors who won’t leave you alone” on their lists
Eric Idle of Monty Python’s Flying Circus offered his own little list of offenders, including newspapers that feature photographs of scantily-clad women:
…nasty little editors whose papers are the pits
Who fill their rags with gossip and with huge and floppy… writs
This book, “The Lay of the Links,” first published in 1923, included a “little list” parody aimed at golfers:
All persons without partners who imagine they play scratch
And would rather spoil your single and make up a three-ball match
And all third persons who on giving good advice insist –
They’d none of them be missed!
I think W.S. Gilbert really put his finger on something we all have experienced in our lives: Those irritations, large and small, that assail us every day.
So what sorts of people would go on your own personal “little list” of annoying people we’d never miss?
